In the spring of 2017, my voice started skipping like a warped record. Like a good girl, I ignored this message from my body, told myself I didn’t have time to deal with it, and kept “super momming” and over-achieving at work. Me, in my peak people-pleasing years Unsurprisingly, my voice function continued to decline. Eventually, I found myself the owner of a breathy, powerless voice – not the sexy, embodied version – like a deflated balloon. No longer able to deny there was a problem, I met with a specialist. That day I learned that one of my vocal cords had actually died. Dead. Gone. Forever. I literally lost my voice. The symbolism was not lost on me. Let me back up and give you some context. This health scare (spoiler alert: Everything turned out okay.) was the culmination of years of martyring myself and ignoring my own needs. I was an A+, self-sacrificing super mom with all the anger, resentment, and exhaustion to prove it. My life was centered around: Being the primary parent to a three and four-year-old. My full-time+ job. Managing 97% of the mental load and associated domestic labor tasks at home. I had terrible boundaries and was fully baked in societal conditioning; I didn't yet see anything as a choice. I was performing my gender. Fulfilling my roles. Losing a vocal chord felt like the universe punching me in the face. She was saying, "Wake the fuck up!” I didn’t use my voice to care for myself, so I lost it. The experience inspired me to begin to make small changes in my life. I started looking more inward for guidance than outward for validation. (Still a daily practice.) I began to recognize my power and worth – outside of society’s expectations of what it means to be a woman and mom – and feel the benefits of using my voice, even when it was uncomfortable.My voice came back. Enough to not sound like a deflated balloon. I still can't really yell, and my kids love that. Change is possible. Is your body giving you messages that you need to take better care of yourself? Are you so overwhelmed by responsibilities and the mental load that you don’t have space in your life for you? You are not alone. You have worth and power. What is one small step you can take this week to honor yourself? It may mean saying no to something. It may mean taking 10 minutes in a room by yourself doing nothing. It may mean a hard conversation. It may mean recognizing a thought that doesn’t serve you and celebrating that awareness. Progress and change look different for all of us, but our bodies and inner knowing tell us when we’re headed in the right direction. I believe in you.

Yesterday, I was on my way to an appointment when I noticed I was driving fast and felt slightly anxious. I left early. I had plenty of time. Why the f*ck was I in such a hurry? I made the conscious decision to slow down. Almost instantaneously, the vibrant fall leaves lining the country road I was driving down came into focus, and I felt my tempo soften. It felt so dang good. I want more of that. I used to be a poster child for capitalism. I prided myself on my speed and output. If I didn’t finish my work within an acceptable period, I would sacrifice sleep. I got a lot done. I got lots of accolades. And - big surprise - I was miserable. While I’ve worked hard to shed the instinct for speed and more, more, more, it still creeps back in: I berate myself when I don’t get words out fast enough, but the truth is I am an internal processor, and I am not a fast talker. I get impatient with my kids when they are walking too slowly when we have nowhere to be. I question my own worth when I’m not producing content as fast as I think I should . I hold myself to a strict internal schedule that no one else knows of or benefits from. (Inner voice: Sandi, we can eat at 6 instead of 5:30, and everyone will be a-ok.) Schools teach fast. Workplaces produce fast. People talk fast. Cars drive too fast. People around us often expect speed instead of ease. Fast is rewarded. Slow is seen as less than. I am less, then. (Take that, capitalist patriarchy!) When we have the choice, slowing down feels divine. Moving slowly allows us simply to be. Life becomes both the journey and the destination. In what areas of your life can you slow down?

It was a devastating, soul-twisting blow when I first realized that I was complicit in my oppression. I alone was making choices – over and over again – that kept me doing more than my fair share, burned out, exhausted, and lost. Before this epiphany punched me in the face, I took great pride in being an over-functioning, A+ supermom. My girlfriends and I gathered with our babies to drink expensive coffees and cackle about our husbands. Blaming my partner was way easier than looking in the mirror. Who was I without having him to blame for my over-functioning? I told myself that I was the one holding it all together. I believed the story that without me, the family would fall apart. The truth was, I was falling apart. The truth set me free (I didn’t see that yet) and left me feeling unanchored. I had to mourn my role in my misery. I was making choices that kept me exhausted, burned out, and lost. After I mourned, I got to work… Just as I realized that I alone was making decisions that kept me oppressed, I realized that I alone also had enormous power to change my life. He has a different journey. Man-bashing was no longer a valid choice. I didn’t have to wait for him to change. I could change. I could start right away by making different choices, having conversations, and setting boundaries that honored my time, energy, and dreams. I immediately felt the benefits of making one small step after another. I continue to do this work today. After decades of conditioning, I still have to fight the impulse to put my time and my needs last. I can tell you that, with practice, it gets easier and easier to prioritize myself. It feels good. It will feel good to you, too. Are you complicit in your oppression? You are not alone. From a very young age, we received messages from our family of origin, TV, movies, religion, school, community members, and friends that women sacrifice. Women are mothers first. Women do it all without complaining or asking for help. Women are selfish if they prioritize their well-being. These messages are woven into our DNA. It takes work to unweave this conditioning from our thoughts and behaviors. Awareness is power. Are you complicit in your oppression? Do you invite stress so that others can avoid discomfort? Do you continually put your needs last to keep your family moving forward? Do you believe your time is less valuable because your partner earns more? Do you believe that you are responsible for the house and kids because you are a woman? Are you making choices that are “shoulds” and are not aligned with your values and needs? Do you do things that take away from your own time that no one is asking you to do? (See Costco is not urgent .) Do you jump in and take over when your partner is doing something because he gets stressed out or “you know how to do it better?” Once you see these thoughts and behavioral patterns, you can unlearn them. Imagine allowing your partner to sit in discomfort as he learns a new task. He needs to practice and be a little uncomfortable. We all do when we learn new things. You can leave the room instead of jumping in, and do something for yourself! Imagine signing your kids up for fewer activities because you all want to spend more time at home, even though it is the norm for kids to do loads of afterschool activities in your community. Imagine valuing your free time so much that it is non-negotiable. Nothing is allowed to steal that time. Imagine really assessing the upcoming holidays, talking to your family, choosing what you all really value, and letting the rest go. Nachos for Thanksgiving? Hell yes! Imagine saying no to a request that you may have an interest in but don’t have the bandwidth for. It feels good to honor your energy. When you can see it, you can change it. Be patient and kind to yourself as you work to change these long-standing patterns. It takes practice and time. You have to build new neural pathways. Even noticing when you made a choice that you would make differently next time is a victory. (i.e., I’m not going to jump and do something for my partner the next time I notice he is a little uncomfortable; he’ll figure it out. I do!) Soon, you'll move from noticing to having a hard conversation or making a different choice without thinking about it. Small changes will lead to a life that feels radically different.Keep going. I believe in you. Women still carry more of the burden of managing household and parenting responsibilities. This post is not letting men off the hook. Men must also look in the mirror and re-evaluate what it means to be a man/father/partner outside of the conditioning woven into their DNA. In general, our partners are not the assh*les; the capitalist patriarchal system that put us both in boxes is the enemy. I am a white, privileged woman in a cishet partnership. This post reflects that lens.